Larry Coyer is a Worthless Sack of ****

[GoBigBlue88]

I can't sleep. I'm still haunted by images of Tim Jennings covering Marques Colston, Phillip Wheeler and Clint Session converging to tackle each other and miss Pierre Thomas, Raheem Brock impersonating a DE and Keyunta Dawson impersonating a football player in general.

More than anything, though, I'm haunted by the fact that this man...



...is a worthless sack of ****.

Let's start with the obvious. He looks like your grandfather who made his great escape from some second-rate nursing home by way of oncoming traffic. Police probably found him halfway between a rest stop and the nearest McDonald's, dehydrated and convinced he was headed to the rally point at Oradour-sur-Glane. Basically, he looks like the last guy in the world you want to entrust a Super Bowl defense to. I honestly don't even know if I'd lend him a green crayon for fear that he'd eat it, **** it out, rub it in his hair, shave his head and mail the trimmings back to me in a Power Rangers lunchbox.

Let me pause for a second and bring this guy into the equation:



Ron Meeks looks like a pirate. He looks like a BAMF who just doesn't give a damn. He would probably bend your great aunt's corpse over your next Thanksgiving meal and announce "gravy's ready" once he finished her off. Is he the most talented coordinator in the world? No. But you can't realistically expect a pirate to sit back and play Cover-2 all day. Pirates are aggressive by nature. They only want to rape and pillage and reminisce about past rapes and pillagings over lethal amounts of rum.

Meeks = badass pirate.
Coyer = probably just shat his pants.

Looking the part is half the job, you know.

Beyond the appearance, though, Coyer is a worthless sack of **** because he sucks at his job as well. All week long, we heard how Coyer's defense was an attacking defense. How they forced the issue, didn't let the offense dictate the tempo of the game. The mentality Ron Meeks knows well: ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK! KILL KILL rapepillagechug KILL!

For two measly drives of the game, we got that defense. They pressed. They blitzed. They grabbed receivers by their scrotums and flung them to the ground. Beat us deep, they said. We dare you! Try connecting on a go route with Gary Brackett's fist in your soul! It was beautiful. It was effective. It was everything we could have hoped for.

And then the Colts got a 10-point lead.

The transformation began...



Larry Coyer turned into mother****ing Farnsworth. Sagging tits and all, the fat flabby cookie crumble bastard.

A 10-point lead, apparently, is cause to sink back into a soft zone. Which wouldn't be a problem...if it was like a 20-point lead. And Dwight Freeney was healthy. And anyone else on the DL was worth a good goddamn. And Drew Brees wasn't the opposing QB. And he wasn't throwing to Marques Colston, Jeremy Shockey and Reggie Bush. And Tim Jennings wasn't lined up against receivers twice his height. And your defense showed some encouraging signs of grasping this whole difficult "tackling" concept at some point in the game.

So basically, it was a problem.

Farnsworth played with his glasses and picked at a century-old scab during most of the second and third quarter, daring Brees to connect on impossible 8 and 10-yard passes to wide-open receivers. Tim Jennings on Marques Colston? Why the Prussian-lynching hell not? Farnsworth would take that matchup any day of the week! ****, at one point, in between spitting out chunks of bran cereal back into his bowl due to the hysterics induced by his favorite comic - The Family Circus (arguably he should have had some sort of tendency chart out, but **** that!) - he had half a mind to call up a midget he'd met at a USO show back in the day. Titan, his name was, before irony was hip. He could throw him on Tim Jennings' back and they could skip down the field in glee, charging at Marques Colston from 20 yards away. Jennings could throw Titan at the receiver and then proceed to spear the son-of-a-bitch. To his credit, it was Farnsworth's most genius idea all night.

Back to the game, though, even Farnsworth noticed at some point that Brees was only taking two and three-step drops and firing it in to wide-open receivers.

(Somewhere, Colts nation collectively began to remember the 2008 playoff exit in San Francisco, where Meeks' defense did the...exact...same...damn...thing.)

And it occurred to him that...well, actually it didn't. Nothing occurred to him, as was evidenced by the fact that the only adjustment he made was shifting his flaccid, wrinkly **** from the left side to the right. Press coverage? A FIRST QUARTER FAD! Blitzes? POPPYCOCK! Tackling? TOMFOOLERY! Gameplan? FAMILY ****ING CIRCUS!

So here's to you, Larry Coyer, you worthless sack of ****. Thanks for predicating a whole season on an aggressive style of defense and totally shriveling your collective balls when it mattered most. I mean, why go with what got you there? Why press? Why blitz? It makes too much sense! The far better route, obviously, was to do exactly what got Ron Meeks fired in the first place, sitting on a 10-point lead. Ten ****ing points! Seriously! Vince Young, the quarterback equivalent to Larry Coyer's Super Bowl gameplan, could have put up eight goddamn TDs against that soft zone. Hell, I could have. I could have hit paraplegic, non-smoke monster John Locke for 20 yards before the linebackers even had a chance to whiff. I could have literally tripped over my own python-sized dick into the endzone and Jacob Lacey would have been sitting too far back to even make me flinch.

Is any of this helped by the fact that Captain Twitter and Robin (I'm now calling Robert Mathis Robin because he's just a sidekick and nothing more) only managed a tackle each? Surely not. But if you knew pressure was going to be limited, why the hell would you just give them automatic completions on 2-3 step drops? Mix it the **** up. Man. Zone. Press. Soft. Whatever. Anything besides the tailtuck your worthless ass managed. Maybe, if you press, they beat you a couple times downfield. It's not like you weren't giving up touchdown drives anyway. Besides, if you're aggressive, you significantly increases your chances at getting a turnover. You know, like you did all season. Like your defense is supposedly predicated on. Following me, Farnsworth? No. You're not. Because your retarded ass commanded a soft goddamn zone all day, and Brees hardly broke a sweat tossing it across the middle and watching the Lollipop Guild of NFL linebackers show why beards and dreads don't make you a better football player, but the ability to wrap up and tackle does.

Larry Farnsworth, you worthless sack of ****, I have to call you out because Colts fans everywhere formed a collective lynch mob when Captain Meeks pulled the same shenanigans during the last playoff exit. OFF WITH HIS HEAD, they screamed. Yet I get this strange feeling that nobody will call you out for the same thing. No, worse than the same thing. Because Captain Meeks was just a shill in the armada, a cog playing his part and running the defense as he was told. You were actually given some freedom, some opportunities to get creative, and you managed to do that basically until the only game anyone plays for all season. And then you collectively bitch-slapped Colts nation by rolling out the defense we chased away last year. Honestly, you husky-sized ****, I would rather have seen Meeks' typically soft defense out there screwing up exactly how I expected it to screw up instead of witnessing your season-long cocktease of a Cover-2 hybrid. At least Meeks' defense never gave me a rodney. No homo.

So, on behalf of all the Colts fans who are too timid or white-loving to say it, let me be the first to say:

**** you, Larry Coyer. You worthless sack of ****.

[omahacolt]

this was a very good read

[hoosierguy]

This is great. How long did it take you to write it?

[daedge]

I think this has to go down as one of the best posts Coltfreaks has EVER seen !! And easily the funniest post I have come across, I literally could not stop laughing right through out the read.

Wow GBB88 this is the work of a genius !!

[GoBigBlue88]

Originally Posted by hoosierguy

This is great. How long did it take you to write it?

When I'm pissed off, it doesn't take long to write anything. It just kinda flows in a steady stream of hate.

[FatDT]

This is the part of the game that has me at a loss the most. The offense played like I expected them to, both good and bad. Outside of the 1st quarter though, the defense played like a Ron Meeks defense. Soft zone, easy completions, trying (and failing) to pressure with the front 4, missing tackles, etc. It didn't help that the Colts haven't played against a good QB since the 2nd Houston game and haven't played anyone as good as Drew Brees at all this year. But completely changing the gameplan that got them there in the first place just made no sense. There was no attacking. There was no apparent plan. They just reacted to whatever the Saints did. They played soft and intimidated. What a horrible game from the defense.

At some point I assume Hayden got hurt. Did anyone notice? The announcers didn't mention it but I could've sworn Lacey and Jennings were the two CBs in the 2nd half.

[GoBigBlue88]

Originally Posted by FatDT

At some point I assume Hayden got hurt. Did anyone notice? The announcers didn't mention it but I could've sworn Lacey and Jennings were the two CBs in the 2nd half.

I noticed him come up dangling a shoulder after a tackle sometime in the second quarter I think. Go figure. Kelvin Hayden hurt. Sigh.

Maybe the Colts should just never sign DBs to long-term deals...

[catharsis147]

Brilliant post. Thanks. That was a lot of hate, and it was well expressed. I had friends come up to me asking how I felt about the game, and I told them I would not talk about it. Two minutes later I am yelling and screaming that the coaching in this game was all around terrible. I cannot help myself. Special teams was bad too......

[dacoats]

good chit.........

[kitekrazy]

meh...too long. Stuff like this is more emotional than rational. After people bitching about forfeiting two games we've decided to reduce this organization from great to **** because of the Super Bowl.

People act like this is the first time the coaching has ever failed in the post season. What short memories we have.

I'll take this staff over what we've had in the past. I believe that if the 2006 team would have been one and done, Polian would make some changes. The team was actually regressing.

As for Meeks, he's managed to make the Panthers weak against the run.

How many rookie head coaches have ever come across the challenge of resting players vs. perfection?

If organizations were as emotional as fans about coaches, you would have the Chicago Bears. After their Super Bowl loss, they fired a bunch of coaches. They seem to do well at tricking their fanbase it's the coaches fault but never the players. Now they can't get coaches because anyone with half a football mind realizes it's the players.

It will be interesting if Caldwell is anything like Dungy when Simpson is doing returns and Jennings is still on the team.

You can have Meeks, I'll take Coyer. This defense was fun to watch. 3rd, 4th and 1 are no longer an automatic. You also have to give credit to the position coaches as well. We didn't have the DT curse and some fine rookie DBs. My only rant is the D needs to get past playing without Freeney.